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Always keeping busy or emotionally detached?


Guess who's back!! Muaaaaa

Another night of thinking & reflecting..

This is something I struggled with a lot a year ago today and I tried seeing someone about it but they were very unhelpful... 

My cousin passed away suddenly a year ago and everyone all around me were shocked and devastated and consumed by grief but it was like I was unaffected. Of course I cared, it's not like it was nothing but I don't think I ever experienced grief for him, like it was no loss to me? I know that sounds so heartless :(

Anyway so on Monday my Aunty (my cousins mother) passed away.. she has been battling metastatic breast cancer for over 10 years now so it was no shock but still a sad thing none the less. I think the grief of her son took her in the end.. the family is torn apart and going through hell at the moment so again, I absolutely care and am saddened by her passing but still no grief? I was close to her.. why am I not grieving.. I've barely thought about her all week and tonight I feel horrible for that! I don't know if there's something wrong with me and I'm somewhat emotionally detached as a person or if all my life I've been formulating this coping mechanism to keep busy and  allow myself to become consumed with other things to take my mind off it until it's over.

I think I did this with my own cancer as well.. I wish there was a way to figure it out, I feel like I don't know myself until I know why I am this way. I never give myself time to just be.. I can't meditate or ever just be in the moment.. I'm not someone who enjoys sitting in silence and just being.. I've always got to have something to do, something to stress about, something to plan, something to study for.. just something to completely consume me and my time. When she passed I had recently picked up a new book series, which is why I've been inactive on here (that and my eye surgery) and I threw myself into them, only stopped to sleep, eat and exercise, I let the books consume me so I had no other thoughts or things to do.. I had to take a break because I could see the rest of my life falling apart around me.. so when I put the book down I threw myself into work, then I threw myself into my TV shows that I'd missed, then I threw myself into the canteen rec day, then my weekly food prep, then work again, then canteen online and now I'm writing this... because I felt like I needed to.

So I'm not sure which one I am? Emotionally detached or always keeping myself busy :( I sure would love to figure it out.