Dads Cancer

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Bree16

Hello,

My names Bree, I'm a 16 year old girl and i'm caring for my sick father after he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, He was diagnosed on the 17th December 2019. I was and still am not that close to him, it's been that way all my life. My mum and I left nearly 3 years ago, only moved an hour away and my parents were still best friends, they still are. After a couple weekends of me going to my dads I started not going, anyway, in the last couple years I've only been coming over rarely, because of the fact my dad was a very heavy drinker and i didn't like seeing him like that (He's been an alcoholic all his life.) My 2 older brothers, my mum and I haven't had much time to think this over, neither has my dad. I'm only just starting to process it and my heart is racing so fast I feel like I'm suffocating. I honest to god never thought we would ever become that family, were my dad dies while I'm still young and my 2 brothers. I don't know what to do i feel so alone in this and yet my whole family is here for me, but it's not like i want to tell my family I'm not ok because then they won't let me look after him. I can't tell them i haven't been sleeping, eating or throwing up because of the stress. I need help. But I'm to stubborn to ask for it, BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I'LL BE ABLE TO FORGIVE MYSELF, I FEEL SO SELFISH NOT BEING HERE BEFORE HE WAS SICK. My family keeps saying that i shouldn't be doing this, that i shouldn't be looking after him, i finally get why. I was over my Aunties the other day and she started ranting to me. My poppy (her dad and my mums dad) passed away last year because of lung cancer, my auntie was the one who mostly looked after him during all that, and she told me it messed her up to the point were she said that she wasn't going to go home most nights (suicide). I didn't say a single word until she left the room saying to my cousins girlfriend (who was in the room the whole time) to say something to me and try to convince me to not do this. After my Auntie left the room i started balling my eyes out, my cousins girlfriend came over, hugged me for a minute and said to me that I can do whatever i wanted as long as I knew it was right for me. I forgive me Auntie, i was never mad at her to begin with. She just wants to protect me. Their all scared that I'm not going to be as strong and that after my dad dies, I'm gonna want to commit suicide. And as i keep saying to them, I'll be fine.

Sorry, i know that was a lot, but it felt better then writing on my computer on a word document.