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im scared to lose my dad


hi im new to this my school councellor suggested I connect with canteen and write a blog about what has happened in my life and my parents lifes that involves their cancer. so 7 years ago my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer I don't remember much of it but I remember parts. he had radiation to get rid of the cancer he had tubes coming out of him from his throat and stomach. the throat tubes were to help him breathe and the stomach tubes were for his food because he couldn't eat. I remember after his radiation the first time I saw him not being able to speak I didn't understand because I was only 9 years old. I wasn't allowed to cough, sneeze, or even hug my dad in case he would get sick and make it worse. the doctors and nurses then found out he had radiation cancer in his throat and they said he wouldn't live. he had just gotten his eating tubes taken out and we went on a holiday near a beach. we had great fun but we didn't know he was going to die then we thought he was recovering and everything was fine. when we got back home he started chemo therapy and he told us he was sick again and this time he wasn't going to make it although he cant talk ever since he had his voice box removed from the cancer he wrote it down for us or mum would read his lips and tell us. the chemo he was doing seemed to work I don't remember much of it but he did recover he moved up the coast ways a few years later and we saw him every holiday because he was living 5 and a half hours away. 3 years ago when he decided he wanted to be closer to his 4 kids he moved to a small country town about 45 minutes away from us. he was fine he was recovered but had some neck and chest pains. we then saw his every weekend I became closer to dad he went to Thailand with his mates he was having a great life he has all these mates that support him. 6 months ago he had really bad neck pains it took a month before he thought he needed to go get it checked he thought maybe he has been forgetting to take a certain tablet or something but when he finally got into the doctors they put a camera down his throat they then said they were 99% sure that his cancer was back for the 3rd time I was staying as strong as I could until I found out what it was 100% I went to all his dr appointments with him the 3rd dr appointment I was with him we found out he had aggressive stage 4 terminal cancer it broke me to bits I cuddled him and cried for ages I though im a 16 year old teenager that's losing her dad I was so upset and still am I cry myself to sleep every night. the doctors say that he would live 10 to 12 months but recently he had been vomiting up a lot of blood they now say he has less than 5 months to live and I don't know how to cope I don't know if I should distance myself from his or become closer to him whether which one will help me im not sure I still havnt quite wrapped my head around it all and havnt really told anyone apart from my close friends not all my family knows im not sure how to tell anyone. I want to be able to have my dad walk me down the isle when I get married I want to have him around for when I decide to have kids of my own but I cant. so many emotions are floating around the air in my mind if im at school and I hear the word cancer or dad I break down crying knowing all my friends have their dads still I don't know how to talk to anyone about how I feel or what to do or say I guess there is nothing.

2 days ago my dads girlfriend had to call an ambulance for him because of the amount of blood he was throwing up hes not eating his only drinking water he says he wants the pain to go its like someone stabbing him in his throat upper chest and his right eye continually. im not ready to face reality, im not ready to be a daughter to only one parent im not ready to not being able to spend my weekends and holidays without dad but I suppose no ones ever ready when it comes to death or cancer. I just need someone who has gone through this before to talk to and ask about their rough patches and bumps in the roads that they have gone through.

also about 5 or 6 years ago mum had breast cancer and also survived she had on breast removed and had some of her belly fat removed and placed on her chest with a tattoo for a nipple. me and mum are close but I still don't know how to talk to her about how I feel about dads cancer.