Life is at a crossroads

0
lydiamay

Hey all just having another moment in my life where I've had a bit of a realisation and have got some internal musings going on so I thought I would write them down :)

So since not many of you on here actually know me I'll give you guys a little run down.. so 2010 I graduated high school and I was working at McDonald's at the time who were blinding me with fancy traineeships, the promise of a long management career with them and lots and lots of $$ (for someone so young).. so I didn't put much effort into high school, I did easy classes and didn't sit the QCS making me illegible for an OP.. I left high school and worked at McDonald's for another year until I got sick of it and started working at a cafe. I was starting to realise that the hospitality industry was really unreliable, stressful and overall awful to you!! I couldn't stand not knowing when I would work, whether I'd get enough hours, not being able to be sick, not being able to have flexibility and just working for mean bullies!!! So I started a business degree at university because I just couldn't keep going on like this I needed some sort of stability and I figured business was broad and could offer me many opportunities...

A year in I realised that I was struggling to stay interested in the theory subjects, I didn't like them, they were boring, didn't make sense and were hard to understand, it really wasn't what I wanted to do.. but also at this time I was getting excellent grades in subjects like statistic, accounting, economics etc... I actually had fun doing these subjects!! They were the hardest ones to actually do but my god did I enjoy the challenge, I loved staying in my weekends to work on these assignments, working out the puzzles and getting the answers correct, making things balance were calming to me and gave me a satisfaction I can't explain. This helped me realise what my strengths were and I decided to change degree's to accounting, something I never thought I would be good at or enjoy. Since then I've been working through my accounting degree and have loved (almost) all of it. I'm not in my last semester of university and have been applying for a whole lot of graduate positions to begin work in 2017.

I was sitting in the CanTeen office in Brisbane yesterday as I helped them out with a presentation and had a Div Com meeting in the evening so figured I may as well hang around and drive them nuts all day :P haha kidding but I did have projects to discuss with them and one of the staffies wanted to check in with me after I completed a survey so she could help me cope with some problem areas I was having at the time like stress!! Haha.. So while I was chatting with her we were discussing the differences from where I was a year ago and where I am now.. I actually got a phone call halfway through from Deloitte (1 of the big 4 accounting firms) to do a phone interview with me.. we were then discussing how important and full on this time of my life must be.. I'm finishing up a degree I've been working on for over 3 years, I'm doing a tonne of applications and interviews for serious jobs, I'm heading overseas on my DREAM trip for 3 months in July... even as I write this I'm tearing up thinking about how far I've come in my life! It absolutely astonishes me!

I've had quite a tough upbringing.. my parents split when I was quite young and my mum was really struggling with depression and anxiety so she moved to another city. She couldn't afford to take us with her at the time as she was renting rooms off strangers. My dad has some sort of undiagnosed mental disability. I don't want to offend anyone by misdiagnosing him but he's just always had trouble understanding people and has never been able to give or display love. So I kind of grew up without a loving or supportive parental figure around. Because he isn't actually diagnosed with anything I grew up not knowing there was something wrong with him, but thinking that he just never cared about us or loved us. My brother and I both suffered a little bit I think from this. He's having a lot of trouble adjusting to life at the moment and although I've grown up to be incredibly independent and strong I've also become a little cynical/negative, disconnected (emotionally) and have never really thought highly of myself or what I could achieve. I believe this contributed to my failures in high school as I never explored any possible futures because I always assumed I wasn't good enough for anything. This has been the case for quite a while, even through the first half of university.. even NOW in fact I doubt myself and my abilities constantly.

From this point on I think that maybe a contribution of bad luck and my negative thinking has brought me constant pain and suffering through my life. I entered a bad relationship that had me stuck in a life rut simply because I felt so unworthy of love that I grabbed a hold of the first person who would take me. Then I gained a lot of weight and got type 2 diabetes, I was stuck in horrible jobs, then I got cancer.. it was like a never ending stream of crap and I got so used to it that I just came to terms with the possibility of my entire life being like this. I don't think I ever knew what true happiness and peace was, I was always unhappy deep down and restless. Going through treatment was tough for me as well although it did help open my eyes to a few things, the first being the bad relationship. It started from my own insecurities and unhappiness and even though there may have been love there at some point it had left quite fast as well and it wasn't healthy to keep it going. I let him go and started trying to turn my life around because I felt like I'd brought the cancer on myself and that it was my lowest point and I really needed to turn it around. I was still really unhappy at this point though and life was a real struggle, I was always alone, hated myself more than before, was angry at the world for making my life even more unfair etc etc.

After treatment though everything started to slowly change.. I have no idea if it was one particular thing or a combination of things. I moved in with my mum, who is actually a loving and supportive parent who offers me a positive and peaceful environment. I started on with CanTeen who has given me an inexpiable amount of self worth, support, love & purpose, I found a somewhat good job (as good as you can get in hospitality) and I started at a new university. It has taken up until this point for me to truly appreciate how different I am now. I have confidence in myself, I have a positive outlook, I have faith in my future, I have goals and dreams, I have faith in myself (even with the self doubt moments), I'm TRULY happy.. I can be stressed sometimes although at the moment I've been able to juggle everything pretty well actually, but yes even despite the stressy angry moments I can get I am actually truly happy with myself and my life.

At the beginning of the year I reflected on all my previous years and the fact that I'd achieved very little or had awful things happen but this year was different, even back at the start I knew this would be MY year. I would finish uni, get a job and travel Europe, everything would be amazing... but I always kind of had a nagging feeling like something would go terribly wrong and ruin everything, but we're halfway through April and things just keep getting better and better!!!!!! I've made it to the interview stage of two of the big four accounting firms! (KPMG & Deloitte), I had an interview with a mid tier firm in the city, I was offered a guaranteed position in a small firm in Brisbane if I choose to accept it. I'm actually so proud of myself and my achievements and how I've brought myself up so far from my very dismal beginnings.. even if I don't secure a job with a big firm I made it further than most people do, people that may have done OP and grew up with a great life! I just am truly astonished at the moment of what I've achieved and I'm so excited to start working in accounting even if it wasn't something I always loved, it's like achieving dreams I didn't know I had until now.

Anyway I feel like I've really gone off track here but basically this point in my life is probably one of the most pivotal  & important crossroads I face... it's time to leave that girl behind and move on to my future and to a completely new person. How much do I leave behind? How do I still connect with my experiences, especially my cancer? Should I just continue on with this flow and completely re-invent myself? Will I change as a person? I'm mature when it matters but there's nothing I love more than cutting loose on a canteen camp, cry laughing with someone who's only 15 years old (7 years younger than me), going spastic on the dance floor... will I still enjoy these things? Will it still be me? I have no idea what my future is going to be like once I start a proper job.. I've never worked full time or in an office before, I've always remained somewhat of a child in many ways.