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Sometimes Life Begins With Cancer


    HELLLLEEEEEWWWWW my readers! Hope that all is swell and all are doing amazingly! I've been wanting to write this blog for a while now and I was inspired by the title because I've been doing a lot of self reflection and a lot of "me" work and it just made me realise how much my cancer journey has impacted my life thus far.

   Now, I'm not necessary saying that having cancer has completely changed me and who I am as a person but I also can't deny the fact that it had shaped the person I am today. The person who I'm still learning to love fully.


   You know ... its funny sometimes to think that I could "find myself" when the fact is ... you'll never stop  finding yourself. You can never fully find yourself ... you have to accept yourself for all that is you today.

"all that is you"  

   After treatment I find a new light. I had a lot of time to focus on myself and try things and do the things that I want to do and build myself to be the person that I wont to become. Not to waste life. The concept of life and time has become so precious to me. I guess that happens when death was standing right in front of you. To keep being the best version of me and be the happiest person like ever ... but ... sometimes ... I'm not that.

   I have learnt to accept and love the greatest with in myself. My rule of life is that ... if you have ... man, you better own it! I can accept that yes, I have the ability to warm up to people. I have a great personality, I'm authentic, I'm bright and happy and all that fluffy stuff .. but that's not all of me.

"not all of me"

   I'm not always the fluffy me. I sometimes have a thorny me. A part of me where I feel that if I show people, they will not be able to accept it ... because I feel as if ... If I'm not able to love myself how am I going to expect other people to love me. How can other people accept the thorny Jessada when he cant even accept it himself.

"when he can't accept it himself"

   And that's what I've realised. To accept and love all the parts of me. All the fluffiness and all the thorniness and everything and anything in between.

   To love all my greatness and all my flaws; all my great qualities and build and learn from the mistakes that I've made. To be able to look at myself and accept all that exist within me. To be able to say "I'm not okay when I'm not. I can't deny the negative parts of myself just like how I can't deny the negative parts of my life... I can't deny my flaws... just like how I can't deny the fact that I had cancer.

   I guess everything kinda has a silver lining doesn't it... reflecting back on my cancer journey it had made me realise how much it had made me build on myself... and I will never stop building myself. Finding things about me that I will learn to accept and love cause that is all of me.