final weeks

crispynewts

so im not really sure if anyones gonna read this, as this is my first post and i have no idea what im doing, but i wanted to be able to get out the feelings i had bottled up for a while now. ok, so im 17 this year and in year 12 in high school, and near the end of 2020 my mum got diagnosed with cancer. it was quite a shock at first and i didnt really know how to process it, i let my school work and ambitions distract me from my family and i really didnt know how to cope. its now 2021 and i wish i could just go back and change.. idk something. i find im really bad at showing my emotions to others and i realised... when was the last time i told my mum i love her? i dont remember. i mean of course i love her more than anything, but what if she doesnt know that? well today my mum told me she had only a few weeks left, and i thought if there was a way to just stop time from moving it would be now. i dont know how im going to survive without her, shes literally my rock, and the only reason ive stayed sane all this time. i cant imagine a reality where i wont be able to just go to my mum and tell her all the stupid drama going on at school. my one motivation in life was that i wanted my mum to be proud of me. my whole immediate family is quite unwealthy and i wanted to be the first with a career that they would all be proud of... since my mum had to quit her dream job when she immigrated to australia so she could have me. i wanted her to not regret that decision, because im now very fortunate to be able to find great schooling and career options. but at this rate she wont even see me graduate high school, so im feeling very unmotivated, like whats even the point anymore. ive been neglecting my studies and my grades have definitely deopped. so i was thinking of writing a letter to my mum, im hoping itll be easier than saying how i feel in words, and i saw someone on here recommend writing a letter. i guess now my only question is how do i know its the right time to give her the letter? im not really sure how this stuff goes, like i said im really bad at expressing my feelings. but i know i have to let her know somehow.