“I don’t think she’ll leave here”

Dean

I was told this by the doctor yesterday when she talked about mum’s condition and their plan to move mum to the Hospice section of the hospital. I’ve been immensely emotional and upset - almost crying constantly and struggling to just about do anything. About a week and a bit ago, mum and I were at my mama’s house (where she was living temporarily), saying that I can’t wait for mum to come back home soon. then a few days ago I realised/learned that mum might not be able to move back home and would be spending the rest of her days at Nana’s; now we’ve been told she’ll likely never leave the hospital. Our timeframe when from “it could be 10 years” to “most by 5 years” to “some pass by 2-3 years”; yet, for us, it’s been about 7 months from diagnosis to today. I’m scared and I feel cheated; we tried to take this seriously and approach timelines and bucket lists seriously, but we always thought we had so much more time than we do. I’d go to her and we’d talk about it a bit, but we’d usually defer some stuff, or not go through too much as mum wasn’t well and we figured “we’d wait for some of the good days” (which we were all but promised). They never came, but we felt okay with that, because we had years and years left for things to turn around and for mum to start feeling better...but it never came. There’s so much left I want to do and stuff that I may never get the chance to do. Icried a lot last night, and I’m crying again this morning - I’m home alone, with only my cat to keep me company. I can’t hug my mum and she’s almost too weak to answer the phone, so it goes to voicemail. I just want my mum...I want more time...I want the opportunities we were meant to have. I’m scared...