it’s nearly time. am I ready?

jeixo

My mum was diagnosed with stage four cervical cancer in late of 2019. I mean, I knew what slim chances there were and the countless amount of doctors telling us all they could do was give us more time but I hoped that somehow we could be one of those miraculous cases that rarely ever happen. I guess because of my wishful thinking I’m hurting more now and a part of me wishes that I had accepted what was going to happen sooner. maybe things would be easier?

As I’m writing this I sit in a hospital room. It’s small but i’m by my mother side, every day - for hours. Even though it makes me so sad and sometimes uncomfortable I still sit here day after day because I don’t want any regret and I want her to leave the world knowing I was there till the end.

I’ve been told she would die that day or that week more times then I can remember. Each time she would shock the doctors that she hadn’t passed when they expected and it would fuel me with hope but this time I already know it’s different. She’s here but also not at the same time. I know there’s only days left - a week if we’re lucky. I’m hurting so much but I know eventually I have to let go and know that the best thing we can do is for her to go out peacefully free of pain.

I was recommended canteen and if I’m being honest I have my doubts. I’ve never been one to share my thoughts and feelings. I’ve always been a shaken up bottle of soda waiting to explode and I fear that day is soon arriving. will I be able to hold myself together? I love writing whether it be poetry or lyricsm and producing songs. I guess that’s my way of dealing with things and even though it’s not directed towards other people I know it’s helping. I just want other outlets and reaching out to others is way out of my comfort zone but here I am?

What scares me so much is how much pain I’m in already. What pain will I be in after she passes? Will I still be able to do the things I love, stop crying? Will I be able to think of her and not have it completely ruin my day? Will I be able to live a happy life free of guilt knowing that she is robbed from so many experiences she wanted to have.

Before she was diagnosed my life was just starting. I had to give up all of that to become her full time carer. I lost a lot of friends along the way and I’m not where I imagined myself to be in life. I always had big ambitions and things I wanted to do. In some ways I’m grateful because I now realise those aren’t the paths I didn’t really want to take and discovered some pretty amazing hobbies and talents, but sometimes I just can’t help but miss what used to be. Will I be able to resume day to day life like before.